Why?

I am not a complainer. I am high maintenance, but I self-maintain! I believe you make your bed and you lay in it. I believe that we all have our cross to bear. I say all that to reiterate...I am not a complainer. And I pride myself on being strong of spirit and very resourceful. I always have a plan b, c, d or right on thru the alphabet. I am quite adaptable.

I made my situation myself. As my great friend Margaret says..."honey, some of us are just bad pickers." Well, I picked badly and I have paid dearly. I won't go into how dearly, I don't like to go into it. Most people don't know or understand and frankly, I don't want them to. Most definitely not my finest moments in life. But out of it, I got the two most magnificent gifts of my life, my two beautiful children. And, suffice it to say...I would not go back and do anything differently and miss out on the honor of living my life as the mother of my two sweeties.

I, we, escaped it. And we live happy and strong lives. I give them wings to fly and find themselves like my parents gave me. We live, we laugh, we love each other, we worship together, we are a happy family, me and my two kids.

And regularly, their father pops into our lives to distort, disrupt, argue, accuse, swear, embarass, upset, disappoint. He has spent years living so selfishly that he is oblivious to the fact that he has this affect on their lives. Up until now they were too little to realize how he made them feel. Now that they are getting older and they see him as he is, he has become angry. He is angry that he can no longer tell them how to feel or what to think. He is angry that they don't accept as normal the way he chooses to live. He chose to skip spending Christmas with them. They were there as they always have been for Christmas Eve with their dad, they were excited about the gifts they had picked out for him, and that they had talked their mom into spluging to get what they wanted to buy for him even in a year where the Christmas budget was extremely tight. He just didn't show up. Didn't call. I put my baby to bed that night at home and she cried herself to sleep. My son was so hurt. Of course his hurt comes out as anger, he wants to fight his dad...not a good thing. And since then, there has been more and more hurt, more name calling and threatening. I have come to realize that the saddest part of the story is that he doesn't even know who his children are. He doesn't know that he has a beautiful, strong, intelligent, articulate, Christian son who will become and amazing man. He doesn't know that he has an angelic, artistic, loving, graceful daughter who is so desperate for the love of a father figure that I fear she will latch onto any man who shows her the least bit of attention.

I do not know how to fix this situation. I am worn out from plan e, f, g...s,t,u. And I have prayed for the answer. Listened and looked to find it. I have pursued things that make me happy and whole in the belief that just making our lives happy would overide all the negative. But, it always intrudes again. Some days I can't get past "why"?